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Unbelievable good sense overtakes NW LA governments

Political watchers on both sides of the Red River were stunned by a series of announcements by local politicians that threatened to turn upside-down completely the political landscape of Caddo and Bossier Parishes and their principal cities Shreveport and Bossier City.

At a news conference jointly scheduled by leaders of the parish and city governments, not only did these officials promise sweeping new policies to be introduced, but an entirely new form of government that essentially would abolish their present forms. The conference, held at the Shreveport Convention Center, brought smiles to the operators of the city-owned facility who said the big crowd attending would assure that the Center would at least break even financially for the year.

The new form of government would make the two parishes and all their municipalities federative in nature, which some power retained by each unit but with larger decisions made by an elected assembly with representatives from each unit. “All our governments have concluded that local government is too fragmented and by working all together, we can provide more and better services to the public for reduced costs,” said Shreveport Mayor Cedric Glover. “I’ve been an elected politician all my adult life,” he noted, and he said the cost savings by eliminating the number of area elected officials to one-fifth the current amount and including the elimination of his job “would be a fitting end to my political career.”

Bossier City Mayor Lo Walker saw this change as an extension of cooperation between the cities. “This is the logical culmination of the extensive cooperation our cities always have enjoyed, continuing our tradition of never trying to do things to one-up the other, never acting as either had a chip on its shoulder about the other.” Walker then announced to celebrate this spirit of togetherness that Shreveport would be allowed to annex the Louisiana Boardwalk (minus the parking garage which, since Bossier City paid for it on the basis of being a public convenience provided by government, would be turned into a public skate park) and incorporate it into Shreveport’s Red River District to assure the latter’s success.

Walker also said the CenturyTel Center would be sold. “We have no need of boondoggles that lose taxpayer dollars,” he explained. “We’ve already heard from Shreveport that it will buy it to house recreation programs that once were conducted at the YWCA.”

Parish leaders also gave their unqualified endorsements to such a plan. “Let’s face it, Caddo Parish is dominated by Shreveport, so why are we [Caddo Parish government] here?” commented Caddo Administrator Woodrow Williams. His Bossier Parish counterpart Bill Altimus stressed the increased potential efficiency, noting that instead of trying to hit up the citizenry for increased taxes to fix roads or hiring lobbyists to squeeze money out of the state and federal governments, with local governments now together on this and boundary lines to be erased, long-delayed projects like the parkway extension would find funding and actually get done “before the land between Bossier City and Benton gets turned into one long strip mall with truck stops at every intersection.”

As he left in his new state-of-the-art security car bought with funds for police vehicles, Glover was asked whether he knew that this new arrangement would require a change in many state laws. “Not to worry,” Glover said. “Bobby Jindal still is governor. Bobby Jindal waves his magic wand and tens of millions appear for the Cyber Innovation Center. That means he likes us. Bobby Jindal owns the state Legislature. Bobby Jindal is here to save us all.”

Local media mostly responded positively. “This deal is just another sign of the progressive, forward-thinking politics that has marked all things Bossier ever since its current officeholders got into office,” gushed the Bossier Tribune-Press. However, the Shreveport Pasttimes reserved its praise: “While encouraging, this rearrangement does nothing to address the most fundamental, pressing concern of the area: the disparity in traffic citations between black and white motorists.”

Sorry, gentle readers, please look at the date on this issue. April Fools. Back to our regularly scheduled local government, the antithesis of every good ide

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice. I got through two paragraphs before I figured out the gag.